Christian Diaries: Falling into Temptation and Finding Victory Through God(1)

Zhang Lei

Thursday, February 1, Sunny

This morning right after breakfast, even before I had finished my devotionals, my little sister came to my house and told me excitedly: “It’s really easy and fast to start an online business these days. I have a friend who’s been doing really well in her micro-business. Why don’t you give it a try?” She saw that I wasn’t saying a word, so then said: “Hey, give it a shot! There aren’t many barriers to entry and you don’t need to invest much money. Besides, your time would be really free. No matter where you are, you can share pictures of products on your Moments; the time is not limited like going to work.” After hearing her say this I thought: “I don’t have the time to be a micro-entrepreneur. I was just dismissed from my duty, so I really need to read God’s words and reflect on myself, then I need to perform my duty again.” Thinking of that, I flatly refused.

Sunday, February 4, Sunny

My sister came over again first thing in the morning to talk about the micro-entrepreneur thing. “In today’s society everyone looks down on you if you don’t have money! Besides, being a micro-entrepreneur won’t interfere with your faith and earning a little more money is always a good thing …” What she said stirred me a bit and I thought: “Since it wouldn’t interfere with my faith and I could earn some money, it seems it could work out well for me, but …” I was still hesitant and said to my sister: “Let me give it some thought.”

Thursday, February 8, Very Cloudy

After breakfast I tidied up the kitchen and just when I had sat down and was picking up the book of God’s words, my cousin called me and said: “Are you going to be a micro-entrepreneur? There’s a company I want to tell you about that has thousands of products. They’re good quality and inexpensive. As long as you become a member, when there are people buying the products, just go to the physical store to pick them up and you’ll earn money when they change hands. Your time can be really flexible, too—you can sell whenever you want to. When you don’t you can just do your own thing. You should give it some thought.” After she said that I thought to myself: “If that’s the case it’s really not bad. As an agent there’s usually not much variety in the products and you have to pay a larger agent fee for a greater variety, but that’s not necessary as a micro-entrepreneur, so this is a business opportunity that can’t be passed up. I don’t have a duty to perform now anyway, and I can manage my time myself as a micro-entrepreneur, so it won’t interfere with my devotionals or self-reflection!”

After my husband got off work that evening, I discussed the idea with him and he was really supportive. Considering that it wouldn’t have any impact on my faith and I could earn some money, it seemed like the best of both worlds! I decided to give it a try.

Tuesday, February 20, Sunny

Since joining the micro-enterprise field I’ve realized that it isn’t nearly as simple as my sister and cousin said it was. There’s a lot of information to take in and lectures to watch or listen to. Over this period of time I’ve just been hurriedly reading a few passages of God’s words during my daily devotionals and then clutching my phone, listening to classes and studying in the WeChat group to see how the group leader introduced the product, communicated with people, and interacted with people in friends group. Today, when I turned on my phone to listen to a class, I felt a little uneasy, thinking: “I’m listening to classes every day so I can’t sit still to read God’s words. After a while won’t my heart stray?” But I couldn’t help myself and really wanted to listen, and just then I heard people in the group say: “The micro-entrepreneur Xiaobai did this for just one or two years and then bought a big house and a nice car. If someone else can do it, why can’t I? In today’s society money is a symbol of status!” “Yeah! Before I was a micro-entrepreneur no one thought much of me. But now I have money and people are practically banging down my door to come wheedle me. It’s just like that saying, ‘The rich have relatives far and wide but the poor have no one anywhere.’ Who will think anything of us unless we have money?” After hearing this I couldn’t help but nod my head and think: “It’s so true that today’s society is like that! People will only think something of you, look up to you if you have money. Anyone without money is just trampled on by others, so I need to work harder to make some money. Then maybe I’ll also have the chance to buy a big house, drive a BMW, and travel all over the place … Even if I don’t get to that point, at the least I’ll be able to show off in front of my snobby friends and relatives.” Thinking of that gave me even more motivation to pursue it.

Saturday, March 2, Very Cloudy

These last few mornings, the moment I open my eyes, I rush to look at my phone to see if there have been any inquiries on my products. I lie in bed busily sending out ads and editing descriptions, racking my brains to reach out to people in my circle of friends so that they’ll have interest in my products. I even look at my phone while I’m eating, and when I’m on the bus or walking I never forget to show my friends the scenery from the road, only thinking of attracting more people. I can’t think of anything but how to find customers and sell products. Even if I can get to sleep, even in my dreams I’m thinking of sales and profits. Every evening I listen to lectures over and over so I can gain some marketing skills. I don’t get to sleep until 1 or 2 a.m. I stay up too late and don’t have the energy to make breakfast for my son, so he has to go buy it. I feel a bit distressed but whenever I think of the money I’ll earn, which will mostly go to my son anyway, I think that suffering a bit right now will be worth it. These last couple of days my eyelids have been dry, itchy, and peeling because I’m always staying up late, plus there’s the radiation from my cellphone. Quite a few times I’ve been feeling so uncomfortable that I’ve wanted to just throw my cellphone and ignore any messages, but then I’m afraid that someone will inquire about my products, that I won’t be able to respond in time and I’ll miss the opportunity to make a sale. So I’m still always attached to my phone and working to earn money and recognition!

Friday, March 16, Cloudy

Recently I’ve noticed that a lot of my cohorts are doing good business. I found out that they got falsified reviews praising their products to boost their sales. No wonder my sales are always lagging so far behind theirs—it turns out that’s why. So that I can earn some money, I’ve also started to learn how to create false images on my phone and misrepresent my sales so that I can fool customers, or even exaggerate the product’s effectiveness. I can say that the product has whatever effects the customer needs. I’ve been busy doing all of this to sell products online and hardly have any time to read God’s words. Even when I do have a bit of time, I just aimlessly flip through it and don’t know what to read. Sometimes I fall asleep when I’m reading God’s words and I forget it totally afterward. Even my prayers have been really dull and dry. I don’t know what to say to God and I don’t really want to read His words or listen to sermons anymore. I just want to sell things. My other cousin came the other day to bring me the copies of God’s words and recordings of sermons, but I avoided her saying I wasn’t at home. I feel like I’m growing farther and farther away from God and I know this kind of deceptiveness isn’t in line with His will, but I don’t have the strength to forsake the flesh and overcome Satan’s temptations.

Saturday, March 24, Cloudy turning Sunny

This morning I found out that my father-in-law secretly handed over our incredibly profitable catering business to someone else when my husband wasn’t around. It’s already happened and saying something won’t be any use, but I’m so angry. I’ve worked so hard, but I haven’t earned as much as I lost—I can’t reconcile with it. I have to work harder as a micro-entrepreneur to regain what I’ve lost now. This evening when I picked up my phone to look at my messages my husband said to me, irritated: “Stop messing with your phone. If you’re on your phone too late you won’t be able to get up in the morning, plus it’s so cold outside and our son has to eat on the way to school. You’re not getting good rest at night, either.” This environment came upon me but not only did I not retreat to the spirit to seek God’s will, but I argued with my husband, saying: “I’m looking at my phone to earn money as a micro-entrepreneur. It’s not like I’m playing games or watching movies …”

Monday, March 26, Rainy

Today after my husband came back after eating at a restaurant, with his drunkenness he yelled at me: “Stop looking at your phone! If you keep looking at it, I’ll throw it away! You’re always clinging to your phone and you won’t even make food anymore. I’ve told you so many times but you still won’t stop …” Seeing him that way I thought, “You’re just finding fault with absolutely no basis, aren’t you?” I got out of bed and said in a huff: “What’s wrong with me looking at my phone? I’m not playing games or chatting with other people. You agreed to me being a micro-entrepreneur but now you’re talking about throwing my phone out!” He became even angrier after I said that and was determined to grab my phone from me. When he saw I wouldn’t let him have it he grabbed me with both hands and shook me from side to side and positioned himself like he was about to hit me. When our son saw that we were about to fight he pulled my husband away. That was how that ended. My husband’s actions absolutely stunned me and I can’t understand it at all. At the time he was totally in agreement with me being a micro-entrepreneur, so why is he being so unreasonable now? I’m so angry that my stomach hurts and I feel like he doesn’t understand me at all. I’ve tried to think of absolutely everything to sell products, and aren’t I wanting to earn a little more money just so that our family can live a little better? Plus it’s not like I never make food, it’s just that I don’t always get to it in time. Does that really merit such an explosion? The more I think about it, the more I feel like I’ve been wronged, gasping for breath out of anger. I don’t even want to stay in the room. I walked out to the balcony and looked at the stars, thinking of everything that just happened and I felt so incredibly sad. It was only then that I came before God to seek and pray: Why is this happening to me?

Source From: Gospel of The Descent of The Kingdom 

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