Is it always this hard? I can’t remember a period in my life when I was not in love, infatuated, or in lust with someone. Am I needy? Perhaps. I have always strived to be emotionally independent, the lone wolf, but know that one can not live alone, at least not for long.
During my grade school years, I was infatuated with my cousin who is 6 years older than me. There was also a girl in Japanese school that I liked but was too shy to talk to. In 4th grade, I confessed my love to a girl at school only to be told just a week later that she liked my friend etter (We secretly held hands each day during reading time at school even while she was “my friend’s girlfriend”. This was my first emotionally “sexual” experience that still gives me a rush each time I recall it.). When another girl I liked, but never confessed to, moved away, I cried in my closet for what seemed like hours. In junior high, I placed love letters in another girls desk for weeks but never signed my name. I even took a friend of my sister’s out to dinner and back
to my room for Brie cheese and sparkling wine, only to be too scared to do anything more than give her a peck on the forehead.
It wasn’t love but my first real “sexual” experience was with an american girl who was one of my students at Aikido class (I will talk about my experiences with Aikido later.). I believe I was 17 while she was only 14. Her home was on my way to class so she would often ask me to take her to class and drive her home afterwards. One day, she came to my house with a love letter. Some how I knew what the note was about but before she would let me read it, she became embarrassed and hid it in her pocket. I teased her and tried to remove the note from her pants as we wrestled on my bed. Next thing I knew, we were kissing. She caught me by surprise as she stuck her tongue in my mouth. “So this is french (deep) kissing?”, I thought to myself. It was more strange than exciting. I started feeling her body but before I could get any further, we were interrupted when my mother came into my room! After that, I was not allowed to be alone with any girls in my room.
From then on, she and I would make out in the car each night I took her home from class. She kept giving me love letters professing her undying love to me. At first, I was embarrassed to introduce her to my friends due to her age but when I invited her to a party at a friends house, her father said no. Our physical exploration escalated and after each experience, she wrote to me how wonderful my touch made her feel.
One day, without a word, her family moved away and I never saw her again. Looking back, I was not very good to her. I did not even think of her as my girlfriend. I was just enjoying my first experience with a real girl. A girl who really cared for me. I have come to regret the way I treated her and wished I could talk to her again.
It would be a long time after before I experienced anything sexual with a girl, much less love.