May 1, 2000
Sliema, Malta # 2
Report: I received a post card from New York. I was so happy because it is absolutely surprised me. She had contacted to my mom and sent that way. But my boyfriend and my father and mother sent me letters but I’ve not received them yet. After that I received a photo of my new nephew. He was born after I left Tokyo. It was really cute. This is the first time I’ve seen a really new baby. At first when I saw it I was a little scarred. The umbilicus and I felt so strange. This was reflecting for me. I feel so real lie and I felt something moving and enlivening from that picture. After I received these photos I went to Mdina two days ago and I saw the wind or felt wind on the way I saw some farm and grass moving and I feel something. There is an awakening sensitivity here in Malta.
- but I think in previous weeks I was so terrible. So I’m not getting to normal yet, I think.
- even in Tokyo I feel nothing, that is why I travel a lot. I always look for something. I always think that Tokyo is not right for me. And then I often go to New York (10 or more times) and while staying in New York I feel better than Tokyo. The first two weeks of coming back to Tokyo is ok but after that it goes back to same feeling.
- with respect to that fact that my family is also in Tokyo...(long pause) ... I don’t know I just feel some part of my mind I accept Tokyo but most of my mind I refuse, something especially the people who live there. Like following new trends, they have no opinion so I can’t enjoy conversations. Much better in the country side. In conversation I just want to know their feeling but everyone told me it is not their feeling it is just that they use feeling of others. (I can trust only my family, just close knit family.)
- before I came here I thought my problem was just Tokyo, now it is here. I found that the problem is not Tokyo. It is like a shell I have family in my country and my house is like a shell. It doesn’t matter where we live, Tokyo or America. Since I came here I joined to new family and I feel so comfortable in my host family. I made like a shell so I always want to be or stay home and I don’t want to go out but my host mother and host father to go out on Friday and Saturday nights. But I hate to go to disco or noisy place. I think the problem is just me.
- the people around me may be stuck like my friends, have no time and no space for listening to my feelings and opinions just they spend time in a wasteful way. This is my point and it is so sad. So most people doing the same way of wasting time so I can’t share with them.
Clearing:
- State: first every thing is white like a canvas, and then two children running around me, it’s like just I eel and they were blue and I heard their voice just laughing voice and then they were gone. The color is changing to light grey (not grey it is kind of white but a little darker than the first white) and then I couldn’t realize what they were just only many kinds of colors put...no floor, wall there was nothing: space. But just like snow but everything has its own color like blue, yellow and all are pastel colors. They that is all. This is a common state. I’m not in it, always there is trouble to explain my feelings
- Physical sensation: the existence only
- Feeling: floating...
Entry: Faces state
1. THERAPY - FACILITATION TO HELP THE LOGOS - Support for the Servant of the Blue Print of the Human: 1) I need to find my fulcrum within me (p 2055) + 2) I must restore my guidance through letting go of this Emotional Lock (p 1670) + 3) Shadow of yin
1) I need to find my fulcrum within me - I MUST BECOME AWARE OF HOW THE UNSEEN AFFECTS MY ESSENCE - and bring all the parts of me back into my self: including being present or living in this world
Note: Signal: a sensation in the eyes, not gritty, but a pain or irritation. Usually both eyes together.
Fulcrum in this sense is about an aspect of the Self - esoteric in nature - which has gone out of the body, and is thus an external frame of reference rather than internal. Find the fulcrum by TL, or by first asking the client to sense where they are drawn to, when their eyes are shut and they sense their bodies. Are they taken out of their bodies? is there an external place? Is there are corresponding place that TL’s on the body. Bring the external fulcra back into the body. Get them to do it.
Get the patient to ‘access’ the place where this reference point has gone - there will be a binary change as they place their awareness upon this. Find the part of their body - approximately - that this fulcrum needs to go back into to. Allow the patient to do this. They will feel the shift take place - treat them with Subtle bodies therapy if necessary, aftrewards; this will hold it in.
The idea of a fulcrum or place within which we take a ‘ point of stand or reference’ being outside of us, may alien to many; however we place these external references all the time. They make reality seperate from us.
2) I must restore my guidance through letting go of this Emotional Lock - INTEGRITY of GUIDANCE - I NEED TO RESTORE THE CAPACITY TO BE GUIDED BY AN INNER FEELING AND DISTINGUISH THIS FROM EMOTIONS - Emotional lock: which prompt me to use control as a defense mechanism
Note: A file relating to an obsessive quality at the emotional level - a reflective capacity applied to a feeling unexpressed. Held by the animal force, whilst seen and viewed through a reflective state, yet unexpressed.
Comment on Control:
Key Concepts: Defense stemming from old heartbreaks; fear of trusting self and others.
Control comes about hen two parts of your mind want to go in different directions. There is a fear that if you go forward in one direction, the other will lose completely, and so there is a stalemate which stops you moving forward. When you’re in this stage o life, it can feel as if you are in a desert, coming to oases only now and then. Because people are as afraid of success as they are of failure, control can show itself in a number of ways. When you are truly successful, you are going with the flow of life, but your ego labels that as being ‘out of control’.
Although we try to control ourselves and other people so that good things happen for everybody around us, control actually comes out o fear. It is a defence, an attempt to protect ourselves. But people naturally resist control (we even resist our own control). It’s not surprising then that when we try to ‘protect’ ourselves and others through control, power struggles ensue, resulting in even more hurt and heartbreak. So control, like any defence, brings about what it’s trying to prevent. As an attempt to keep yourself safe, it limits your horizons. In any attempt to keep your partner safe as a source to fulfil your needs, you are dulling them.
Control creates power struggle in relationships. Wanting things our way, or creating a problem, can be a hidden way to fight for what we want ミ a form of tantrum. In a relationship, one person can have a problem which is actually an attempt to manipulate the other; while the other, as a way of ‘fighting’ back, appears nonchalant, unaffected or independent.
With this issue highlighted, you are being asked to communicate and trust. Let go of your idea of how it should be, so that you can see the best it can be. Look more deeply at any problems or other issues going on now in your life. Ask yourself, who might you be trying to control by having these problems, and how might you be using problems, issues or people to control yourself? Receiving this card is an invitation for you to integrate the two sides o the conflict, one side of which may be projected out as another person giving you this problem.
You are being asked to take a risk in opening yourself up, in sharing yourself and in moving forward. Trust would give you the confidence you need for this movement. Trusting in yourself, and / or trusting in heaven’s strength, will lead you forward easily.
3) Shadow of yin: This understanding below is an expression of the ‘way things may have been’ for you. That is walking around in the dark, unconsiously. This is something to continue in for a while and will phase out as you grow from within.
I Ching Hex 2 YIN
Commentary: Recognize that friend is the creative, inspiring force behind your relationship. You must respond fully and sympathetically. It is your responsibility to fulfill the relationship on a material, physical, sensual plane. Inspired by Friend’s beauty, Friend’s spirit or Friend’s mind, you blossom and wilt, caress and withdraw, take hold and let go in an entirely selfless and sympathetic response to Friend. {This shows the potential position you are in.{
Line 4: The sack is tied up. No guilt. No praise.
Refrain from expression of any kind. Move through the world as if in a dark, sewed-up sack. This is a time for complete detachment.
Note: This is a force of a yin state that is occluding the Light from God. This is like the shadow of the Earth. It is created by the beings that are generically called the djinn. It is matriarchal in nature, affecting the soma.
Essential oil: Frankincense, distributed over the hara.
2. Subtle Body Therapy: Nurture own qualities + state of being
Paid LM 100
Bal due: Lm 245