お詫びとお礼、そしてRioの話 #1

いつも私のブログを見てくださっている皆さんへ

お詫びとお礼

私のブログを英語に関して何か得られるものはないかと訪れてくださる皆さんに対し、ここ５回、私のつたない英語での極めてプライベートな手紙をお見せすることになったこと、本当にすみませんでした。そして、一度でもその手紙を読んでいただいたようでしたら、ありがとうございます。ただ、もし読んだことで何か違和感を感じられた方がいらっしゃいましたら、すみませんでした。心よりお詫びいたします。私の気持ちを形にして残しておきたいと思った時に、また、それが英語でなければならないこともあり、このブログを使わせてもらった次第です。ご理解いただければ幸いです。今回は皆さんに日本語でこれまでの一連の手紙の背景と、私の息子、Rioのことについてお話させていただき、それを最後にまたいつものブログに戻そうと思います。少し長くなりますが、もうしばらくお付き合いいただけるようなら大変光栄です。また、Rioという人間の描写と親子の関係の話から、異文化理解、アメリカの文化、あるいは親子の関わり合い等について、少しでも何か新しいことを知っていただくことができれば幸甚です。

Rioの話＃１

私の息子である、西村理央ジャスティン(Rio Justin Nishimura）は、日本時間、先週の火曜日（令和2年5月19日）の午後、32歳で他界しました。Rioは、私がイリノイ大学シャンペーン･アーバナ校の大学院で勉強を始めた次の年に生まれました。私は父親としてRioの面倒をみながら５年間ほど大学院で勉強を続けましたが、事情があり、私だけが日本に戻ることになり、その後の10数年間は別居することになりました。私は、彼と母親が大阪に戻るまでは一年に数回、多くて3回でしたが、アメリカに戻って数週間だけ家族と過ごすという生活を続けましたので、Rioとは5歳から16歳くらいまで一緒に生活することはなく、彼の成長を身近で見ることはできませんでした。また、彼らが日本に戻ってからも、Rioが大阪のInternational Schoolに通ったため、結局、私がアメリカを発って以来、家族3人で一緒に過ごすことはありませんでした。

私がRioと一緒に暮らしたのは、彼がカナダのバンクーバーにある大学に行く前の10ヶ月のみです。その時母親は大阪におり、Rioだけが私がいる宮崎に来ました。彼は私のアパートの一室、6畳の部屋に住むことになりましたが、もともとアメリカで育ってきたこともあり、また、大阪とは違う地方で友人もいない、将来の目的もない中での一人の時間が多い環境に耐えかね、苦しみ、当初は手に負えないくらい荒れていました。私に当たることは決してありませんでしたが、物には当たり、私が仕事から帰った時には多くの物が壊れていたことが日常茶飯事といった具合でした。当初私は文句を言ってぶつかりましたが、そのうち、彼が苦しんでいることに気づき、それからは文句を言うことを止め、いつも壊れた物を静かに片付けることにしました。そうすると、次第にRioも自分が壊したものを一緒にかたづけてくれるようになり、奇妙な静寂の時間を何度か共に過ごしたことを思い出します。しかし、最初の数ヶ月は、私にとって家に帰るということは、正直、苦しみ以外の何物でもありませんでした。毎日帰る度に心臓が高まり、今日は何か起こっていないかと、ドアを開けるまでは緊張の連続でした。Rioにとっても辛い時期であったと思いますが、私にとっても、とてもしんどい時期でした。

しかし私は、Rioとの関係をなんとかいい方向に持っていくために多くの努力をしました。毎日、お昼は自宅に戻り一緒にご飯を食べ、夜は一緒にご飯を作ったり、あるいは、外食したりして精一杯同じ時間を過ごすようにしました。休みは一緒にテニスをしたり、何かを見に外出したりしました。そうこうしているうちに、やっとRioも心を開いてくれるようになり、笑うようになり、いつの間にか、帰宅してご飯を食べるとすぐ、一緒に映画やドラマを観るのが習慣になりました。もちろん、英語物ですが…。一緒に過ごした時間のうちの最後の数ヶ月は、親子のつながりみたいなものが出来たような気がします。そして10ヶ月後、Rioはカナダに旅経ちました。それから１4年…一度も会うことがないまま、Rioはこの世を去りました。（End of #1)

To Rio (1987-2020) The Last Letter

Hello Rio,

I got an email from your mother telling me that your funeral was finished yesterday. She sent me your pictures in the coffin and you look very peaceful and handsome. While I feel very sad, of course, but having seen your pictures, I feel relieved as you are looking rested peacefully and as if you were just sleeping dreaming something that makes you feel happy. Have you seen yourself from out there?

Your mother sent me some other pictures where there was a rainbow in the sky. She told me that after they said goodbye to you, there appeared a rainbow in the sky and it seemed to welcome you into the new world out there in the sky. It sounds like a miracle phenomenon, doesn’t it? Did you fly over the rainbow and go wherever it may be to be part of the universe where you will be staying until you will be reborn into a new life? Stay there until I see you sometime soon and welcome me when I go there with a broad smile on your face. I’m looking forward to seeing you. Until then, I will live my life to its fullest making you feel proud of me as your father.

I thank you so much for having been my son for over 32 years, and I am sorry that I have created the environment where you had a lot of frustration in the family and the location you had to live in. I should have put you in a dormitory of some school in America where you were very comfortable living rather than bringing you back to Japan you never wanted to live in. I am so sorry, Rio. Will you forgive me for that, please? Had it not been for such a relocation of your life, I am pretty sure that you would have been still alive and working in American as a business person or a cook, I surmise. The major lifestyle change surely caused you to feel frustrated and unstable in many ways and changed your life totally.

We had seen each other only a few times a year after I left America and started to live in Japan alone. I believe it was when you were five years old when I left Illinois in the snowstorm. I still clearly remember when that happened. I took a cab and went for the airport in the heavy snow and I couldn’t refrain from crying out loud in the car thinking of you. Since then, over the course of many years, I was able to see you only a few times a year at best, and it went down to twice and once, and eventually zero until you came back to Japan when you started your high school, yes, that international school in Osaka you hated to go to.

You and I spent 10 months together here in Miyazaki, the first time when we lived together in the same house, or the apartment, to be exact. I know it was so painful for you to have lived in such a small room with no future expectations. You were constantly frustrated and behaved not in a normal way, which made me feel so afraid to return to the apartment in the first several months. I tried my best in establishing a father-son relationship I failed to create for so many years. After my constant attempts to have you feel comfortable living with me, you have at last opened your heart to me, haven't you? We went to lunch together almost every day and we cooked together. Remember? And we watched many movies together at night. Even though that time was the most difficult time for me in my life, overcoming a big obstacle existing between you and me was really worthwhile and that mentality continued to work for both of us when we were faced with much more hardship in later times. Do you remember that you said to me, something like, “Thanks to you, Dad, I am still here being who I am and without you, I wouldn’t have been here now.” You were crying over the phone and I was so happy to hear that. That was, say, 15 or so years ago? I cannot recall when that happened, but I still clearly remember that moment.

I can recall a lot of memories of you, but once I started to do that, I cannot stop writing, and if I do, many people who are kindly reading this message will certainly be bored, so I do not do that for now. I might do that sometime in the future, but when I do that, I have no idea right now.

Here, I just want to clear something that is very important. You died in an unfortunate accident, didn’t you? We have exchanged the following messages a couple of months ago. Remember?

“hey Dad, I just transferred to my bank, really, really appreciate it. The governor of Illinois has put a shelter-in-place order out starting Sunday hopefully it'll help slow down the virus, but the restrictions are doing huge amounts of damage to the economy. I'll keep you updated on what's happening in the upcoming weeks.”

“Got it. Take care, Rio! Hope things will get better soon. Good night!💤💤💤”

And no update came to me, Rio, and instead, I got the message that you died. I kept watching the Skype message since I had the above message from you, expecting an update about the cobit-19 situation in Illinois. Well, no complaint anymore.

This is the last letter to you, Rio, as everything is finished as far as things following your death are concerned including your funeral. I have seen your face and you are now resting in peace in heaven. I will resume my life from tomorrow, Monday, as usual. I, however, will never and ever forget about you, Rio. You will continue to be my son and you will continue to live in me together with your grandpa and grandma. Would you please watch over me and my brother from out there and pray for our happiness? If you could help us be happy, that would be great (^^)/.

I’m now watching your pictures…. You look very peaceful. It may be because you are now free from any pain physically and mentally. I cannot believe you are gone, but I have to face reality. I love you, Rio, and I will see you soon. Until then, sleep tight and have many sweet dreams.

Good night, my son, and again, I will always love you wherever you are.

To my son, Rio,

From Your DAD

To Rio (1987-2020) Fourth Letter

Hello Rio,

I went to play tennis with Hosoda-san today and I lost 3 sets. He still is very good despite his age. He will turn to 80 this year, but he still moves around and hits the ball hard and wise. I may not have been focused good enough because of you, but he really is a good tennis player, nonetheless. I told him about your death and he was surprised of course. He remembers you well and the time you came to the tennis court and played together. I showed your picture and he recognized you, which made me happy as there is someone other than me who remembers you. He said hello to you facing the sky. I wonder if you have said hello back to him? I believe you did. I tried to show off my tennis skills to you today, but I failed to do that miserably. Sorry. I will revenge tomorrow. Will you be cheering for me tomorrow, please? Thanks, Rio.

It’s been decided that your funeral will be held at 11 a.m. tomorrow, Saturday, in your time, meaning, in the middle of the night here in Japan on Sunday. I will be sleeping at that time, so, sorry about not being awake while the ceremony is held. You will see your mother, your girlfriend and others who I have no idea, but some of your friends, for sure to see you the very last time. You had a talk about what kind of clothes you wanted the funeral attendees to wear with your girlfriend, didn’t you? That’s amazing. Did you anticipate something like this might happen? I have never thought about my death, nor my funeral, ever. That makes me feel sad and sorry, for whatever you had on your shoulder or in your mind should have caused you to think about your death, and I had no idea about it. I wish I could have shared your burden as your father, even though I may not have been able to do enough to ease your pain whatever that is. As per your request, the funeral attendees will not wear black clothes. Happy? They are all looking forward to seeing you the last time, so show them your best face, will you? I wish I could be there. I will see your memorial ceremony in my dream if it is at all possible.

Your mother was successful in contacting Reymond. He is one of your best friends in Canada, isn’t he? I have heard that he was helping you when you tried to detoxicate yourself. He was like a brother to you. Right? You had no siblings, so I am glad that you had such a good friend in your life. Your mother will take some of your ashes to Reymond sometime in the future and he reportedly said that he would gather some of your friends in Canada and see you then. Look forward to it, Rio.

I was a little surprised to hear that you had two guns at home. You carried an authentic license for them, so you were a lawful owner of the guns. No complaint about that, but I was a bit surprised to know that you had lived in America that we Japanese know from TV shows, dangerous and people are in a mode of protecting themselves from any possible assault and unexpected incidents that might happen any time, any day. You have practiced shooting in the shooting range and you were a good shooter, weren’t you? Your girlfriend said so to your mother. I wonder where those guns would go? I believe your friend doesn’t have a license, so maybe, the police would take them and make them part of the government property, I guess. No idea and that doesn’t matter anymore, does it? You can’t take them to heaven, so let it leave up to the police or a legal agent whoever it may be.

Your memorial service or the funeral will cost a little over 4,100 dollars. We will take care of it and I have sent your mother my portion via PayPal. Thanks to your advice on how to use PayPal, sending the money abroad is not a burdensome thing to do anymore. It has been done almost instantly. I don’t need to send you money anymore, so I will not use PayPay for my personal matters from now on, but I might use it for purchasing something from overseas or even from somewhere in Japan. At any rate, everything has been prepared for us to send you off this world to another world, Rio, so keep lying in peace and wait for tomorrow.

I will write to you again after the funeral and tell you what happened if there is anything that I feel you need to know or feel happy about. Until then, sleep well, Rio. I love you.

To my son, Rio,

From Your DAD

To Rio (1987-2020) Third Letter

Hello Rio,

I am now writing at your picture stand with your picture your mother sent me. I wonder when you took that picture? You look good and handsome, just like your father. Just kidding. You look much better than I do and you look young and ambitious. And you will stay the same forever while I am getting older with my face turning to look much older. In that sense, you are more fortunate than I am as you need not worry about getting old and weaker with a lot of illness awaiting you. Looking into your eyes, you seem to be staring at me being with me right now. I love you, Rio, and I miss you very much.

Today I took a day off to think about you mourning your death. I went to a Miyazaki Camera shop to print out your picture from a memory stick and put it in a picture frame. Now you are sitting side by side with your grandpa and grandma. From now on, I will see you every day and probably speak to you often. When I talk to you, do not ignore me, will you? By the way, I got another email from your mother telling me that you have been tested negative as far as the new coronavirus goes. It doesn’t matter now, does it? But thanks to the result of the test, it appears that your body will soon be returned to your mother and your funeral will be held eventually in a day or two. It might happen either on Saturday or Sunday when you will lose your body after the ceremony and it will be turned to ashes. Again, it doesn’t matter, does it? You have already departed from your body and now watching us from up there, wherever it is. I wonder when you are coming back? No idea, huh. Well, before you come back in your next life, we will very likely meet where you are now. I am looking forward to it. It should happen not in such a long time.

I got another video footage from your mother in which you are doing a lot of smooth tricks with your knife and a tool, which I don’t know how it is called. You know what I mean? That video was taken a few years ago and you were wearing a Benihana’s uniform. Was that time one of your good times in your life? I sometimes wonder if you had some good times in either in Canada or America? Most of the times when you sent me messages, you were in trouble physically and/or financially, and only a few messages carried an enjoyable tone, as far I remember. I may be wrong, so I will read all the messages we exchanged in the past years to find out more about you and see if I had done enough for your sake. There may have been something I should have or could have done more for you as a father, which may have given you a happier life even to a small degree at each time. Meaningless to do that? It may be, but probably all the fathers who were in my shoes would do the same; as a father who lost a beloved child all of a sudden.

You may be laughing now at what I am rumbling about looking at your picture. How long do I do that? Well, I don’t know. This may be the last letter to you or there may be some more to come. Writing about you is my way of mourning for your death while thinking about you; this way, I will engrave your memory in me for the rest of my life. So, please do not laugh at me, Rio, and hear me out being patient and kind.

It is getting late again. I got to go to bed. If you feel like it, do appear in my dream, will you? I have waited for three nights, but you have never appeared in any of the dreams I had. Are you thinking you are still alive, Rio? That is not the case. Wake up, Rio! Face reality. Now you are free to go anywhere and you can even come to my dream if you so desire. So, see you soon in my dream, Rio. I’m waiting for you.

I said this many times and you have had it, I know, but let me say it to my heart’s content, please. I love you, Rio, and I miss you a lot. Keep smiling and rest in peace.

To my son, Rio,

From Your DAD

To Rio (1987-2020) Second Letter

Hello Rio,

A couple of days have passed since I heard about your death from your mother. Since I have lived my life for so many years without seeing you, I am leading my life the same way now even after knowing your death; working from 8:30 to 17:15 working on the documents and attending the meetings, etc., just as if nothing happened. Coming back from work, I cook a meal and eat it and go out for jogging. I’m spending a day the same way I have been doing for over twenty years here in Miyazaki. Did I forget you and the fact that you died a couple days ago? No way. Spending the day the same way does mean I am oblivious of you and the fact that you are no longer with me in this world has changed my life in some way. In what way? Hard to describe. When your face and some of the memories I cherish come to mind, I cannot help crying out loud even when I am jogging. So far, no one has seen me doing that, so I am all right. After all, life goes on and we cannot escape from that crude reality.

Your funeral day seems to have been delayed a couple of days, according to your mother. No autopsy, Rio. Luck you! But they are now checking you whether you have been infected with the new coronavirus. Upon finding out you are not infected, you will be brought to the funeral home, when the memorial ceremony will be held. It appears that the first twenty minutes or so, you will be with your girlfriend alone. Then your mother will read a mantra or whatever with prayer. Be patient, Rio. I know you’ve had it, but this is the last time you will hear it, so just lay still and let the time go by. I didn’t know that you wanted your favorite knife on your chest in your coffin. You really loved that knife, didn’t you? I’m wondering where the rest of your knives are now? You got only one knife after all? When you were with me here in Miyazaki, you had a few knives. So, I thought you still had multiple knives. You may have put them somewhere in your apartment and they might not be found forever. That is a shame, but it cannot be helped.

Your mother talked to your girlfriend again visiting your apartment. She found that you had some good friends in Canada who helped you a lot in many ways including pushing you to break a relationship with a drug. I didn’t know that you were rendered help from those people when you were homeless. Homeless? You didn’t tell me such a thing when you called me from Canada. I clearly remember that moment when you started to speak to me in a small voice and eventually broke into tears. I couldn’t resist crying when I heard you sobbing over the phone. I had never heard you cry before, and that was the only time I heard you cry. That scene is fixed in my mind and I will never forget it. Sorry, I got sidetracked. Some of your ashes will be sent to some of your friends in Canada, Rio, as you wished, and they will be sprinkled over the river in Canada. Is that what you wanted? Right? That will be done, so no worries. I have heard about your favorite stuffed animal laid side by side your girlfriend’s. That is cute, and that reminds me of the white bear I still have here in my bedroom. That bear is what you brought here from Canada. Remember? I will take good care of it with your memory. Because of such a kind nature in you, all the people who knew you loved you and there was none who disliked you, which was what your mother heard from your girlfriend. I was so happy to hear that, Rio. Despite a lot of hardship you had to undergo, you have grown to be a likable person and in fact, loved by all the people who happened to be around you. That is something I am really proud of, Rio. You would have been loved by a lot of people more if you were alive. That is a big shame, Rio. You have been gone too soon. You didn’t live for even half of my life. You should have been more careful in treating your life or your body.

While I was jogging tonight, I went to the rice field nearby to see if I can find some firebugs. Now is the time the firebugs are born out of the ground and started to fly around. Every year, I am looking forward to seeing them fly and today, I have found 14 firebugs! I wished we, you and I, could see them together here with smiles on our faces. That is no longer possible, physically, but I know for sure that when I seen them if I picture you in my mind, you will be with me side by side enjoying the firebugs with a big smile on your face. Picturing that scene has just caused me to cry with tears, so I stop there tonight. Sleep tight, Rio, and be prepared for your funeral day. I love you, my dearest son. I love you…

To my son, Rio,

From Your DAD

To Rio (1987-2020) First Letter

Hello Rio,

I’m writing to you believing that you are reading as I write. I am writing things out of my head not consulting with a dictionary or the like, so I’m pretty sure that I will make a lot of grammatical errors. One time, when we were arguing about something and you attacked me for my misused words, which you didn’t accept my excuse that I was a learner of English and because of that, I made such a mistake. You said, “Dad, come on! You are a linguist and you mistakenly used that word?” Remember? Honestly, I made a mistake in picking the right word and you were pissed at that. Now, let me repeat that. I am still a learner of English and I make mistakes in grammar and in selecting the right words. I’m not like you, a native speaker of English. So bear with me when I say something strange or make some grammatical errors. I just want you to understand what I mean by the words and my heartfelt feelings about things about you and what happened this time.

I am sharing this letter with my blog readers as they are interested in developing their English skills and through reading my letter to you, they might learn something about English and possibly a sub-culture knowing you and me and our cultural background. You can contribute to their learning even after you are gone. Isn’t it great, Rio? Hope you’ll find it the same.

Now let’s get to the point. Yesterday, Tuesday, May 19, 2020, when I got a phone call from your mother, yes, your mother, from America, and she told me that you died. She told me that three policemen came to her house and she was told that you were carried to the hospital from your home and died from overdose of drugs. I was so shocked to hear that and at the moment, I couldn’t believe what she said. You died? Are you listening or reading this alright, Rio? How did that happen?

I kind of know that you took a heavy dose of a drug in order to relieve you back pain. Correct? And unexpectedly your heart stopped. Or, you knew what might have happened? I hope the right answer is the former one. If so, how stupid you were! That stupidity took you to heaven carrying, however, no pain anymore in your body. That was a good thing for you, though so painful to us left behind mourning for your loss.

Are you okay out there? Have you met your grandpa and grandma already? I have reported your death yesterday to both of them and asked them to welcome you and take good care of you. I told them that you would be there in a shape not in your thirties, but in your childhood as they only remember you as you were a small kid with short hair and cute face. So, don’t show your real face when you died, for they would not be able to recognize you with that face. Okay? Promise.

Your mother went to your apartment and met your girlfriend and heard about you in recent days. You had a tough time for the past couple of months, didn’t you? I have been waiting for your next email message since I got one in late March. You told me that you would let me know how things would be as far as the impact of the coronavirus out there in Illinois. You have failed to do so, Rio. I was waiting for that kind of report, not the report of your death. Well, I forgive you for that now. At any rate, I am so sorry that you were in an excruciating pain in the back, for which the doctor told you that they could not do anything any longer. Right? Your girlfriend told that to your mother. I wish I could have done something if I had known the situation. I may not have been able to do anything, to be honest, but I feel terrible about that right now.

Your memorial service will be held tomorrow, Rio, and you will be cremated and become ashes. Your mother asked me if I want some of your ashes, but I said no. I don’t need your ashes, as you are not in the ashes. You are in me, in my mind and memory. I am okay with that. Is that okay, Rio? I will put up a picture stand with your picture and put it side by side with the one with my parents’ picture. They are smiling in that, so you too, you got to smile, Rio. That’s a promise. All right? Then, every morning, I say good morning to you as well as to the parents, your grandpa and grandma. Be good, Rio, with them in heaven and get along well, please.

I stop here, Rio, and I will write to you again, tomorrow. Please know that you will be cremated tomorrow and your mother, your beloved girlfriend, and probably some of your friends whom I don’t know will be attending your funeral. Be good and say farewell to all of them with a big smile in your heart. By the way, you will be in the coffin wearing what you wanted to wear and with maybe something you love to be with. So do not worry a bit. You will have a wonderful ceremony with a lot of tears shed on your face. I have cried a lot already and I will do the same once in a while when I remember you.

You have lived your life to the best of your abilities, Rio, and even though the way you died wasn’t what I wanted to see, but, you did your best and I am proud of it. I miss you very much and I love you as much or more as you loved me. Thank you for having been my son and I wish you all the best in your next life and in the meantime, I will be with you not in such a long time, so when we meet, let us talk a lot and enjoy something together. Oh, about the watch you have left for me. Thank you so much! Your mother will send it to me with your jacket and a picture sometime soon. I will wear it and take good care of it and treat it dearly as I see and remember you every time I check the time. Thank you, Rio.

I will write to you again, Rio, and until next time, rest in peace out there in the heaven.

To my son, Rio.

From Your Dad