私は被害者に成ることを拒否した
I refused to become a victim
そうしたら私に加害した人は
Then those who violented me
私に及ぼすはずの影響力を失う
They lose the influence on me that supposed to affect
私の生い立ちは言わば不幸に分類される
My upbringing story was classified as unfortunate
韓国戦争中に軍隊から逃亡した私の父は
My father who was a war fugitive from army in Korean war
軍法会議で家の事情が認められて
His case was accepted for family crisis at the military trial
投獄させられるのは免除されたが
He was exempt from being imprisoned in army
日雇いの仕事しかできなかった
But he only could work for a day job
彼は家族に軍隊のような厳格な規律に服従することを要求し
He required on his family to submit his strict discipline like an army
幼い私達が逆らうと暴力を振るった
He violented y upon us when we against him
その暴力は妥当な理由が無く
His violence had no appropriate reasons
大体は彼の命令に不服従した時
Mostly when we disobeyed his order
下される体罰で避ける道はなかった
We couldn’t avoid his decision of punish us
ベルトや竹の棒、あるいは素手や足の蹴りなどが
With a belt or a bamboo stick, with his bare hands or kicking
罰を与える形式であったが、最も辛かったのは
Those were the ways of giving punishment us but the hardest one was
彼が使う悪い言葉であった
-the bad words he used
彼のストレス度合や酒の酔い具合で
Depending on how much he stressed or how he was drunken
彼から受ける罰の時間が変わった
-the punishment time from him was changed
彼はプライドが高く自分の子供を所有物のように思っていたから
He was prideful and we who his children were treated like his possession
隣の人が私達を助けようとしたら余計怒った
When neighbors tried to help us, he got more furious
中から鍵を掛けて始めるので平均的に2時間続いた
He rocked from inside and started so it lasted for 2 hours on average
父親からの暴力は毎日ではなかったが
The violence from my father was not in every day
週に2~3回はあった
-but there were two or twice times per week
生まれてから彼の家を出た時まで不定期的に行われた
It was held irregularly from my born until when I got out from his home
私にはいつも基本+おまけがついてた
I always had a basic course + bonus
何故なら、彼が謝罪しろと要求した時
Because when he commended to me apologize
一度も謝罪したことがなく
I never apologized to him
どんなに痛くても泣かなかったからだ
No matter how much pain he gave, I never cried
私が最も恐れていたのは
What I felt fear most was
彼から受けた暴力による傷が体に残ることだった
-the scar received from his violence would mark on my body
体の苦痛自体はそれほど怖くも恐怖でもなかった
The body pain itself was not scary or a fear
何故なら、私は間違ったことをしていないとの信念があった
Because I had belief that I didn’t do wrong
だが、今冷静に考えてみると
But I think back then calmly now
父が私を殺そうとしていると感じたことはなかった
I never felt that my father tried to kill me
15才の頃、家事を完璧にやっていない理由で
When I was 15, the reason of I didn’t do housework perfectly
父がいつものように暴力を振り始めた
-my father began to violent as usual
私は立ち向かい言った
I confronted and said to him
『あなたは自分自身のストレス解消のために
私を殴っているが、私は正しく生きている
You hit me to eliminate your own stress but I live in right way
もし私がこの暴力で死ぬならあなたは一生
If I die with your violence, in your entire life
私を殺した殺人者として生きあなたが死ぬまで
-you live as a murderer who killed me and until you die
その記憶があなたを苦しませるはずだ』
-the memory will make you suffer”
それを聞いた彼は一瞬何も言わなかったが
He didn’t say anything for a while when he heard
激怒し何回か私の頭を殴り足で蹴った
-but he got furious and punched my head few times, kicked me
だが、それが彼から受けた暴力の最後であった
However, it became the last violence that I took from him
私は受けた暴力に対し被害者意識を持ちたくなかった
I did not want to have victimized conscious against the violence I received
彼が私に与えたかった苦痛や屈服感をもらわないと決めていた
I decided not to take the pain or surrendering that he wanted to give me
暴力で支配されることを拒否した
I refused to be controlled by violence
私の生みの母親は私が生後2か月、姉が2才の時
My biological mother, when I was 2 months’ baby and my sister was 2 years old
家から出て一度も会ったことがない
She left us and never met since
父は同棲と再婚を繰り返し
My father repeated cohabitations and remarriages
私が9才の時、当時同棲していた女性から生まれた
When I was 9, a woman who was cohabitated at that time
異母兄弟2人を残し彼女も家を出た
-she was also gone and left her son and daughter
次回はその継母から受けた虐待について書く
I will write about abuse from her next time
私は自分の生い立ちをブログで書きたくなかった
I didn’t want to write my childhood story in my blog
だが、自我や他我を扱っていく中で
But, while I have been dealing ego and other’s egos
私に与えられた自我を究明していく必要を感じた
I felt a necessary to figure out my ego which is given
また、暴力や虐待の記憶で苦しむ人がいるなら
To add, if someone who is suffering from abused memory or violented
その記憶に支配権利を与えないことにより
2次的な被害を受けなくなるということを伝いたい
I want to speak out that by not give the control right on the memory
-it can prevent to be secondary harm
加害者が与えたい苦痛や支配力は,拒否することにより
By refusing pain and dominance that the perpetrators want to give
自分を救うことができると伝えたい
-it can save one as my point
これを書いている私には事実のみが残り
When I am writing this blog, only facts left for me
敗北感や羞恥心もなく父に対する怒りさえも無い
There are no shameful or defeated feelings
-no anger toward to my father
次回、継母から受けた本物の虐待を書き
Next time, I will write about the real abuse from the stepmother
被害者意識と加害者意識の関係を更に深く考えてみたい
Will consider the related conscious between victim and perpetrator more deeply