Eigobin Special 5

「英語便」（http://www.eigobin.com/）特集、最終回の本日は、TOEIC WritingのテストのWrite an opinion essay(意見を記述する問題)のネイティブ添削例をご紹介します。

  問題につづいて、添削例を示します。 

 Write an Opinion Essay
Write an opinion essay (30 Minutes 300Words)

Directions: Write an essay in response to a question that asks you to state, explain, and support your opinion on an issue.

There are more people working at home than ever before. Companies are offering work-at-home positions to reduce operating costs. What are the advantages or disadvantages of working at home? Give reasons or examples to support your opinion.

修正済センテンス 

01.It is true that many companies are now offering work-at-home positions to their employees mainly to reduce their operating costs.
02.
03.Of course there are both advantages and disadvantages for of that. However, I must say our business style in the 21st century should change drastically. Thus, today , I want to support the idea that we should aggressively push a system that business people can work at home without commuting to their offices every day. In order to do that, I believe we can be more productive as well as reducing our costs rapidly.
04.
05.As a manager of a business, let me explain my opinion by showing several reasons.
06.
07.First, business people today, especially the ones those who are doing their job with using a computer and the Internet , can exactly do their job at home. They never have to come go to their offices. By Using the Internet, they can check everything in a few minutes. From news in the world news to stock price fluctuations, they can get the full information. In addition, by using the state-of-the-art communication technology like Skype , they can talk to their superiors, coworkers, and customers who are miles away from them . They can use this outstanding technology for free! It is far cheaper than to talking on the phone at office.
08.
09.Second, work-at-home positions are also attractive for company employers. By permitting this , they can save their expenses , like their employees' commuting allowance. If their employees can work at home without coming to their offices frequently, they can reduce those expenses drastically. It must be highly appreciated for by company employers.
10.
11.However, I must admit there are some disadvantages for of working at home. Let me provide one example. While permitting their staff to work at home , the companies can't exactly understand know that he or she is truly working. It is not a good idea to monitor what they are doing with something like a web camera. Fundamentally an employer should trust its employee , but there is still a possibility that they are not working dutifully at their homes.
12.
13.To be honest, I have already experienced those this problem. One of our staff insisted that he wanted to do some jobs at his home and he could perform it better than he would work at the office. After talking with him, I permitted him to do that. However, during the week he should have worked at home, I found that he had enjoyed a holiday abroad. After finding out the this fact, I was so disappointed with him.
14.As a manager who permitted him to do that, however, I must have taken full responsibility.
15.
16.As I have mentioned, there are both advantages and disadvantages for of working at home. Judging from various points , especially reducing our costs in the very difficult time economy , as a manager at a company, I would like to encourage my staff to work at home more in the future.
オレンジ:スペルミス/紫:変更されたワード/赤:付加された必要ワード/緑:不必要なワード/青:意味が解りづらいもの/不自然な言い回し/青緑 : Impressive!(自然/クリエイティブな表現)

先生からのコメント

01.

02.

03. We can either say: 'disadvantages of' / 'disadvantages to' / 'disadvantages from' + action. All of these are okay but unfortunately, 'for' is not correct. We say 'disadvantages + for + person who gets the result from the action'.

04.

05.

06.

07. 'those' is better to use for people

We don't need to use 'with' before the verb 'use'

Remember we use 'come' if you are in the place, so 'go' is better here.

We can say: world news, financial news, celebrity news etc

'technology' is used as a singular 99% of the time

08.

09. I think this was a spelling mistake, 'permitting' became 'perming'

It's tempting to put a comma where we would usually pause in spoken English, but the main rule is: after time (today, recently) and before 'FANBOYS' (for, and, nor, but, or, yet, so)

'appreciated by SOMEONE' is the grammar.

10.

11. We use the structure: 'permit + someone + to do something'

'understand' is OK, but it's more commonly used for 'knowledge'. 'know' is used for the fact.

'web camera' is understandable, but the commonly used word is 'webcam'.

If we use 'but', it's better to connect this to the sentence before with a comma. If you wanted to start a new sentence, you could use 'however'.

12.

13. Because you mentioned one problem above, 'those' needs to be the singular 'this'

Since you used 'some', 'jobs' should be a plural

'finding' is used for objects. For ideas, facts, thoughts we say 'finding out'

14.

15.

16. 'advantages/disadvantages' are usually used as plurals unless you pick one special point.

'difficult time' is okay, but I think that 'difficult economy' is clearer

You wrote the same sentence before. 'managers' usually always work for a company, so we can take out 'at a company' to avoid repetition.

This was a very nice essay! Your structure was very good and you had a clear opening and closing. In the future let's be careful with using those commas too often! Keep up the good work!

~Jennifer

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